Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be sayin a mass for the poor creature?'
Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not. We cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'
Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'
Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya' tell me the dog was Catholic?
Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'
'This is the Taxation Department. Can you help us?'
'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'
'Is he a member of your congregation?'
'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'
Wife: 'Do you want dinner?'
Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'
Wife: 'Yes or no.'
Priest's Retirement Speech
You don't need to be Catholic and go to Confession to appreciate
this story. Make sure you “Live by the last line!!!”
A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 40 years
in the parish. A leading local figure and member of the congregation was chosen
to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:
"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession
I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place."
"The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had
stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able
to lie his way out of it."
"He had stolen money from his parents; embezzled from his
employer; had an affair with his boss's wife; had sex with his boss's
17-year old daughter on numerous occasions; taken illegal drugs; had
several homosexual affairs; was arrested several times for public
nudity and gave aN STD (sexual transmitted disease) to his
"I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things. But
as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that
and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving
Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full
of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the
presentation and gave his talk:
"I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived", said
the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to
go to him for confession."
Moral: Never, Never, Never Be Late
THE 100 MPH GOAT
Two West Virginia rednecks were out hunting, and as they were walking along, they came upon a huge hole in the ground, which they approached and could not believe how big it was.
The first hunter said, "Wow, that's some hole. I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."
The second hunter said, "Let's throw something down there, listen, and see how long it takes to hit bottom."
The first hunter said, "Hey, there's an old automobile gear box over there. Give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see."
So they picked up the gear box, carried it over to the hole, counted one-two-three, and heaved it in.
They were standing there looking over the edge of the hole and listening when they heard a rustling behind them. As they turned around, they saw a goat come crashing through the underbrush, run up to the hole, and, without hesitation, jump in head first.
While they were standing there staring at each other in amazement, they peered into the hole, trying to figure out what that was all about.
Just then an old farmer sauntered up. "Say there," said the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"
The first hunter said, "Funny you should ask. We were just standing here a minute ago, and a goat came running out of the bushes doing about a hundred miles an hour and jumped head first into this here hole!"
The old farmer says, "Nah, that's not possible, I had my goat chained to a rusty old gear box over there."
PS. Don't feel bad if you didn't see it coming. Neither did the goat!
------------Kelly & (Amy - RIP @ 11.7 y/o)
Last edited by Beaumont67; 08-09-2017 at 10:41 PM.