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Old 12-23-2012, 11:53 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Ugh... Long Rant

This is what I see from my eyes. I know there are many parents here so hopefully, if I am wrong, you guys could explain to me from my misunderstanding. But below, I am going to explain what I have seen and [/b]heard[/b]

I dated a guy before we moved for well over a year. We met when we were 15 and started dating at 16 (We're still in a long distance relationship at the moment and we're doing fine, which is great). However, I have come to face many obstacles about his mother...

I just find her the most irresponsible mother ever. Not to mention she doesn't even seem to bother being involved with her son's life at all. She says she cares about her son's future, but she doesn't do anything. She has no job. She just sits upstairs, in her room, watching reality shows on her laptop. She cut down my boyfriend's tutoring for TOEFL from three times a week to once a week because she was "tired" of driving him back and forth.... Once a week. Seriously? She just sleeps and watches shows on the internet... My boyfriend does the cooking. His mother doesn't even feed herself. I believe he told me she'll eat well over 2 am or 9 pm because she's busy watching shows. Not only did she cut down her son's tutoring (Though she continuously nags that she wants him to get good marks and worries about his future) she doesn't do anything. At all. She has no manners either. When he invited friends, including myself, over to watch a movie, his mother never bothered to even come down to welcome us, nor even say a word. We didn't even see her face until she came downstairs to walk their dog; still didn't say anything nor even look at us. I don't know if it's just me, but I found it rude. I was raised to welcome any guests, especially for Asians... We must stand and greet each other. She just didn't say a word, left to walk the dog, went back upstairs to whatever she was doing. Nothing. I just found that incredibly rude. She complains about everything; saying she has to clean the whole house when she tells her children not to clean the house because they don't do it "clean" enough to her satisfaction.

She shows no interest in her children, period. Only shows interest when they buy something... Hoping they have something for her as a gift. My boyfriend competed in basketball, she never asked how his game was, nor did she ever come visit to see his game. Like I said before, she does nothing in the house except clean once a week, sleep, and watch TV shows. Heck, my boyfriend even called me once, upset, about how he feels his mother feels like she doesn't care about him. She just picks him up, drops him off home, and goes upstairs. Doesn't ask how his day was, his game, if he ate, nothing. If he goes shopping for something, she shows interest and, I kid you not, digs through what he bought. That is the only time she shows interest in her son, children in general. She puts herself first instead of her children... Didn't even drive her own kids to school at 8:30 am because she had to meet friends at 9 am and wanted to dress nice.

There is so much more to rant about but I can't remember at the moment... Must calm my mind down, so frustrated! Do you think it's just me thinking she's a very irresponsible mother? I spoke to two mothers about this and they she was still a child mentally; not even prepared to be a mother. I just can't stand this woman... She drives me insane. Maybe it's just me. I was raised in a family when you're responsible for things, you put those things before you. I have never seen my parents taking a break from working and raising kids. But she does nothing... Just watch TV shows, sleep, clean the house once a week...Ugh.
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Old 12-24-2012, 12:33 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Does she have a medical conditon? Mental illness? Sounds like neglect to me (my mother went ape over having friends over... but sometimes is too busy with her own life to greet them).

How many brothers/sisters does your bf have?

Hopefully he has and will continue to learn from her selfish ways... but at least she walks the dog

There has to be something behind it
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Old 12-24-2012, 12:45 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Rouleaux View Post
Does she have a medical conditon? Mental illness? Sounds like neglect to me (my mother went ape over having friends over... but sometimes is too busy with her own life to greet them).

How many brothers/sisters does your bf have?

Hopefully he has and will continue to learn from her selfish ways... but at least she walks the dog

There has to be something behind it
She's perfectly sound. No mental illness, no health conditions, nothing. His father divorced her due to her "lazy" way of living. Apparently she was always this lazy and his dad did all the work... As a result leaving her because of it. I was wondering if it was because of the divorce, but the divorce was 4 years ago and she, what she told him and everyone, she didn't care because she never loved him that much anyways.

He only has a younger sister and she's 13 now. Very sassy girl but she doesn't do anything to discipline her. I encountered the drama between my boyfriend and her before... It was pretty bad and their mother was just sitting at the table, making coffee.
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Old 12-24-2012, 02:52 AM   #4 (permalink)
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When I was single, I was me, then I became a wife and then a mother. Yes I am still me, but before I am me, I am a wife and mother. That is how I see my role.

When you take someone into your life, you do just that, you take them into your life. I became a wife at 16, a mother at 18, but I can honestly say I have always made sure my husband and my sons were taken care of, no matter what the circumstances.

Am I blowing my own trumpet, no! I am merely stating that when you take on these roles you have to forget about the 'I' and become a 'we'.

I believe your BF's mother still thinks of herself as an 'I'.

Don't get me wrong, when you marry, have children you the person are not lost, instead you become more, or at least that is my opinion.

If this woman truly sits around and does nothing save watch TV then I would seriously say she does have some kind of mental / self esteem issue.

It may be that she just doesnt care, but I wonder, how long she would care if her son didnt do the shopping or the cooking etc.

Would she get up and cook for herself?

Honestly you have to be really ill to let yourself starve and I have a feeling she wouldnt do that.

It sounds to me as if she has become accustomed to being waited on, so if I were your BF I would simply take care of himself and perhaps his sister if he thinks his mother won't take care of her and let his mother stew in her own juices in her room.

I am not saying that his mother should be their slave, perish the thought, independence in ones children is what we all strive for, but there is a limit. We all have responsibilities in our roles and your BF's mother should be playing her part in their lives by taking up hers.

You say she cleans the house once a week, big deal. There are folk in this world that hold down one or more jobs, keep house, ferry their kids here there and everywhere, do the shopping, make dinner etc, etc without a single word of complaint.

If her life consists of watching TV, reality shows, then maybe she should be on one of them. That or reported to the authorities.

Just a quick question, you say she is divorced from her husband, your BF's dad.

Where is he in all this?
What does he have to say?
Can the kids not go to him?

Seriously if she is as bad as you say. Maybe your BF and his sister would be better out of there.

And yes, she should have had the common decency/good manners to pop her head round the door, say 'hi!' and then excuse herself by saying something like..'I'll leave you kids to have fun.' It's what my mother used to do with my brother and his friends and later on with me and mine and guess what, I reckon it is was most folk do too, I know I do.

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Old 12-24-2012, 03:30 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Toby'shuman View Post
When I was single, I was me, then I became a wife and then a mother. Yes I am still me, but before I am me, I am a wife and mother. That is how I see my role.

When you take someone into your life, you do just that, you take them into your life. I became a wife at 16, a mother at 18, but I can honestly say I have always made sure my husband and my sons were taken care of, no matter what the circumstances.

Am I blowing my own trumpet, no! I am merely stating that when you take on these roles you have to forget about the 'I' and become a 'we'.

I believe your BF's mother still thinks of herself as an 'I'.

Don't get me wrong, when you marry, have children you the person are not lost, instead you become more, or at least that is my opinion.

If this woman truly sits around and does nothing save watch TV then I would seriously say she does have some kind of mental / self esteem issue.

It may be that she just doesnt care, but I wonder, how long she would care if her son didnt do the shopping or the cooking etc.

Would she get up and cook for herself?

Honestly you have to be really ill to let yourself starve and I have a feeling she wouldnt do that.

It sounds to me as if she has become accustomed to being waited on, so if I were your BF I would simply take care of himself and perhaps his sister if he thinks his mother won't take care of her and let his mother stew in her own juices in her room.

I am not saying that his mother should be their slave, perish the thought, independence in ones children is what we all strive for, but there is a limit. We all have responsibilities in our roles and your BF's mother should be playing her part in their lives by taking up hers.

You say she cleans the house once a week, big deal. There are folk in this world that hold down one or more jobs, keep house, ferry their kids here there and everywhere, do the shopping, make dinner etc, etc without a single word of complaint.

If her life consists of watching TV, reality shows, then maybe she should be on one of them. That or reported to the authorities.

Just a quick question, you say she is divorced from her husband, your BF's dad.

Where is he in all this?
What does he have to say?
Can the kids not go to him?

Seriously if she is as bad as you say. Maybe your BF and his sister would be better out of there.

And yes, she should have had the common decency/good manners to pop her head round the door, say 'hi!' and then excuse herself by saying something like..'I'll leave you kids to have fun.' It's what my mother used to do with my brother and his friends and later on with me and mine and guess what, I reckon it is was most folk do too, I know I do.
I just absolutely admire what you have just said right there... Especially about the 'We' and not an "I."

I personally thought the cleaning once a week was no big deal either... It's once a week and her two kids don't help because she's never satisfied with how they clean, and she even told them not too because it wasn't clean enough. My boyfriend cooks for the whole family. He only used to cook for the family starting last year; being sick of being fed at 9pm, maturing and thinking he has to take care of his mother.

As for my boyfriend's father, after the divorce, the two never met nor even contacted. Two years after the divorce, his father passed away from cancer... They both didn't know about it until a year after... That's how distant they became with their father, which I find very unfortunate. Even if the mother had full custody of their children (Even though her own mother supports her because his mom has no job or money), I still think their father had every right to be involved with his kids... It involves two people to bring a human in this world, and those two people should have every right to be involved in their child's life. I personally don't know what relationship happened between them, neither does my boyfriend. All he tells me is that his father was fed up with his mom being so lazy all the time that it made him leave.

Even today, I feel so frustrated with her. Sure she is my boyfriend's mother and I should still be polite and all, but she doesn't have the motherly figure. My boyfriend even says that I mother him more than her... Which I don't think is right. A mother's love should only come from a mother... Not from a girlfriend (Or from what I think). She takes full responsibility for their dog but not for their children... She takes better care of the dog than her own kids...
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Old 12-24-2012, 04:17 AM   #6 (permalink)
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The only people who can do anything about this is your BF and his sister.

BF's mother will not change unless something drastic happens, why should it?
Everything is laid on for her.
She has income, via her own mother who must be pulling her hair out with her daughters antics.
She has someone to do the cooking.
Someone to do the shopping by the sound of it.
And whilst my own son or hubby rarely clean to my standard, if they help me out I am grateful and let them get on with it. Doesnt mean I don't sometimes re-do it when they are not around, but neither do I stop them. In fact I positively encourage them when I am working outside on the farm.
Same goes for the shopping and cooking.
Thing is I do not rely on either to do one or more jobs, we work as a team.

How sad that your BF's father lost contact. It surely must have been very acrimonous for that to happen.

Truly, your boyfriend needs to start taking care of himself and his sister, (because she cannot look after herself at 13) and let his mother stew in her own juices.

I wonder, can they not go stay with granny for a while? If she is supporting her lazy a$$ daughter then maybe she will be willing to take care of the kids and let her daughter learn the hard way what life is like when you pi$$ off your family by neglecting them.
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Old 12-24-2012, 05:06 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Toby'shuman View Post
The only people who can do anything about this is your BF and his sister.

BF's mother will not change unless something drastic happens, why should it?
Everything is laid on for her.
She has income, via her own mother who must be pulling her hair out with her daughters antics.
She has someone to do the cooking.
Someone to do the shopping by the sound of it.
And whilst my own son or hubby rarely clean to my standard, if they help me out I am grateful and let them get on with it. Doesnt mean I don't sometimes re-do it when they are not around, but neither do I stop them. In fact I positively encourage them when I am working outside on the farm.
Same goes for the shopping and cooking.
Thing is I do not rely on either to do one or more jobs, we work as a team.

How sad that your BF's father lost contact. It surely must have been very acrimonous for that to happen.

Truly, your boyfriend needs to start taking care of himself and his sister, (because she cannot look after herself at 13) and let his mother stew in her own juices.

I wonder, can they not go stay with granny for a while? If she is supporting her lazy a$$ daughter then maybe she will be willing to take care of the kids and let her daughter learn the hard way what life is like when you pi$$ off your family by neglecting them.
I don't think his grandmother thinks her own daughter is at fault anywhere. In fact, he tells me how they're so similar; looks and personality, haha. If he ever argues with his mother, his grandmother sides with his mom. I actually think his grandmother doesn't know how her daughter is caring for her children. They're not very family-oriented in fact. They just talk, how their personal life is, and that's about it.

Seeing how the grandmom doesn't think her daughter is doing anything wrong, she won't accept her grandchildren because they "have their mom to be part of their life" and they'd also have to move out to South Korea from Canada. My boyfriend and I are in senior year of high school, we it really isn't an option. Not sure if she'd give up her daughter though.
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Old 12-24-2012, 07:58 AM   #8 (permalink)
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She sounds like she is possibly suffering from depression - which is beyond common. I'm sure it is not the only reason for her behavior, but it could be part of the equation.

There isn't anything you can do - only hope that her children end up better than her.

As a parent I just find it very sad to take no interest in what your children do - I hate missing one of my kids swim meets and rarely do. I've driven 2 1/2 hours (each way) to go to an away High School water polo game on a week night.

My teenagers complain that when they have a get together here at home with friends that I drop in to see what is going on (under the disguise of checking on snacks and drinks) too often We have a finished basement for them to hang out in.
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Old 12-24-2012, 09:32 AM   #9 (permalink)
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There is an old saying, 'what the eye don't see the heart don't grieve over'.

Basically granny doesnt see what is going on, so she can pretend if she so chooses to ignore there is a problem. (subject of course to her actually knowing there is).
And you are right, moving out to Korea isn't an option.

BF's mum could be depressed.

Or BF's mum could be so set in her idle ways she is quite content to coast along being carried by her mother financially and by her children practically.

There may come a day when son goes off to college or university, what then, will sassy sister take up the responsibility?

Either way, all you can hope is that son and daughter see that their mothers way is not the way to get on in life or with other people.

All I can say is he is lucky to have such a friend who cares so deeply for his welfare, both physically and mentally as you do for your BF..
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Old 12-24-2012, 02:41 PM   #10 (permalink)
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She needs to see a doctor. I think she has a major depressive disorder, but only a doctor can say yes or no to that.

My own biological mother disappeared from my life when I was ~9 for doing this kind of thing. I'll put it this way - I was already 5' and barely weighed 70lbs when child services were called. Spent a few years in foster care as a result. My birth mother still regrets her decisions, but still hasn't received proper help. Sadly, I inherited some traits of hers (feeling tired and undermotivated), but I sought help - otherwise I wouldn't have nice things.
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Old 12-24-2012, 03:15 PM   #11 (permalink)
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I figured it was depression too because divorces can be hard, and she is a single mother. They did see a therapist (I wasn't there and this is what my boyfriend told me) and there was nothing wrong with her; she was sober. The therapist said it was because she was so used to having her mother do all her dirty work, she's never gone through what "hard work" really is. So, when things like this happen, she either doesn't know what to do or just doesn't do it because somebody else will do it for her; such as my boyfriend already doing the laundry, cooking, shopping, etc. She has no depression issues, at all. I'm glad she isn't depressed though... Depression can cause such a drastic change in a human. I just think she's not meant to be a mother yet, mentally. She just doesn't seem to care and it drives me insane.

I just find it unacceptable in a way that my boyfriend looks to me as a motherly figure. I check on if he's eaten dinner, I even had to make dinner myself because he had so many other things going on. When he has a game, he expects me to be there and be his fan, not his own mom. He comes to me for everything. The only time he didn't come to me was when he didn't want his troubles piled up in my life either; I told him that this isn't about pointing fingers and trying to keep our troubles to ourselves, but it's our problem. Together. I'm just glad he trusts me enough to share all his troubles in his life, and that I'm able to guide/aid him through it. As long as he's fine and getting his work done, I'm fine. I just don't want to deal with that woman. Now don't get me wrong, I have no intention of "taking her son away" from her nor isolating her. She is still his mother, after all... I just wish she'd be more of a mom than just someone he lives with in the house. Heck, she doesn't even remember his birthday...
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Old 12-24-2012, 03:39 PM   #12 (permalink)
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I wouldn't say that's the case. You could argue that some people are lazy, etc. but as someone who's suffered from a disorder that's just barely a shot away from depression (ADHD, complicated with PTSD and narcolepsy) Not appearing to care is just one of the symptoms. I remember my own birth mother was great when I was very young - she was INCREDIBLY involved in my life, up until I was around 4. Then all she would do is read in her room, and sleep all day. My brother and I had to cook and clean for ourselves. I ended up learning how to make my own meals by the time I was 6, though housework is NOT my specialty. My mom worked for a newspaper, so our house was always cluttered with newspapers. My therapist thinks - and I agree with him - that part of my own difficulties with housework is that I was just never raised in an environment where it was a top priority.

It's caused some issues in my own relationships. I feel very bad for my SO sometimes - he has to clean up after me on my "off" days (which are less and less, now that I can afford the help I need). But, I told him that I can always move out if it becomes too much - I guess he thinks I'm something special because he keeps at it and even helped me get the dog of my dreams. So I guess I can see things from your boyfriend's perspective in this case. This sounds whiny, but it can be very hard for me to get up off my a** and be an adult and just do what needs to be done. Today I'm having one of those off days - I intended to clean and vacuum, and all I want to do right now is just take a nap. I'll probably nap and then clean up (luckily, I did learn self-discipline from my adoptive family).

When he's old enough (I'm not sure how old you both are) it may be good for him to go away for college. It did wonders for me - though, I guess I did mature pretty fast as a child. A toxic environment does that to a child. I honestly feel terrible for you, AND for him. I can understand where he's coming from, though - he's very lucky to have you. I honestly never had anyone that I could confide in until I met my SO. Feel free to PM me if either of you ever need an ear
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Old 12-24-2012, 07:19 PM   #13 (permalink)
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She has no health disorders though... That's the thing. I just think she's lazy. Even before her divorce, my boyfriend told me she was lazy and the only thing she has changed, after the divorce, was her being a lot more strict and forceful. Such as, she wants him to go to a university in California... We're in senior year for high school and he has no interest in going there either; there's no way he can do well for SAT unless 1. he tries hard enough (But we already doubt it because he doesn't want too) and 2. his mom stops being a lazy lady, put her son before herself, and not cut down on her son's education just because she's tired of driving three to four times a week. If she's going through depression, some mental disorder, I can understand why she'd be acting like this and strongly advise her to get some help. But she doesn't have any. She's just...lazy or she just doesn't care.

She's rude to other people as well... Recently, I heard from him that people avoid his mother now. I wouldn't say avoid would be the best way to word it, but more to state that due to her lack of manners towards others, people prefer to not be with her. I thought she was just having a bad day when she just ignored all her guests in the house, not even saying a word and only coming down to walk the dog, because it can happen. But no, it's happened several times and to other people. I just think those are basic manners: If you have guests, at least stop by to welcome them and then maybe get back to your thing, etc...

We're 17, in case you are wondering. We've been dating since we were 16... Two years in April. I definitely care about him and I want the best for him, and I can't stand people who won't treat him right... No, I can't stand any person who doesn't treat others right the way they should. I would understand, and thought myself, that she had some depression or mental disorder due to her divorce, but turns out she was always like that... Nothing changed about her except her being strict. Do you might know how or why about that?
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Old 12-24-2012, 10:04 PM   #14 (permalink)
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You should really take the SAT more than once. I took it both my junior and senior years; the first year, I barely got a passable score. The second time, my score was nearly perfect (in math, reading is another story) - UC system doesn't care about SAT scores so much as the grades for your junior/senior year and your personal statement (don't even ASK about my SAT II scores, hah! They were miserable, bottom 20%! I MIGHT not've studied for them). I did end up being accepted to my top choice university (well, really, every university I applied to) with a pretty decent score, and an unweighted 3.8 - but that's the easy part. I was never able to pay for it. To be completely honest with you - it might be for the best if he did end up going to California for college (I did). It's not fun to try to do university while living in a toxic environment, trust me.

It's hard to say why she's suddenly being so strict but can't be arsed to help him out. I have the feeling she probably doesn't want him to end up like her - from the sounds of it. Obviously, I don't know her well. I know that my (adoptive) mother pushed me quite hard in high school because she wanted to make sure I was able to go to college, when she (nor anyone else in my family) was able to. That being said... I realized I needed to go out of state for college when she told me to not enroll at the local university because she didn't want me using her car every day, and didn't want to drive me every day. LOL sound familiar?
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Old 12-24-2012, 10:18 PM   #15 (permalink)
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She just suddenly wanted her son to get into university in the USA; preferably California. He already had three universities in mind and she basically "attempted" to force him to go to Cali. My boyfriend, being the obedient yet annoying momma's boy, did obey his mother but not for long. It took three teachers of him to contact his mother to say, it's best that she stops pushing him because he has no interest and is too late to study for SAT (From what they said). I sometimes wish my boyfriend would stick up for himself... I always had to beat (Not legit) it into him that he has the right for his own decisions and not people telling him what to do all the time. In the future, it's going to be him making these decisions, people wont be there to direct him all the time.

It's hard to say. It's understandable from what you're explaining to me. Yet, there are two types of asian moms... The ones that are strict from toddler to young adult, and completely chill when they're adults. The second, very chill when they're younger and strict as heck when they're getting prepared for university. My boyfriend and I assume she's the second mom; she's just strict with studying though to be honest, I don't think she has the right to be. If he gets a low mark, it's mostly because of his poor English. He needs far more time than 70 minutes a day of learning English at school. He had private academy and tutoring for English three times a week, and it helped him, lots! He learns very quickly because he takes English as a very serious subject for him to learn. Yet, I kid you not, two weeks later, his mom complains that she's "too tired" to drive him three times a week to academy so she cuts it down to once a week and gets angry with him when he gets a low mark in English... Yeah, what do you do for a living, lady? You just sit down all day and watch shows, sleep, and clean the house once a week. You're too damn lazy to drive your own son for his benefit and you put yourself over your own children... I don't think she has the right to complain.
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Old 12-25-2012, 07:00 AM   #16 (permalink)
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Idleness is idleness, depression should not be confused with it.

When you are depressed you can want to do something but find it near impossible to find the strength.
When you are idle, you don't want to do anything, not because you don't have the strength but because you can't be bothered.

Your BF needs to live for himself, not his mother.
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Old 12-25-2012, 04:47 PM   #17 (permalink)
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Yeah, I'm going to have to agree with that. She has no mental disorder or depression, they had seen a therapist and she clearly stated that his mother was sober. She was no affected with the divorce at all, nor her husband's death. She's always had her mother beside her for the past 45+ years, her whole life, and now financially supporting herself. Her own son is doing the work that she should be doing, and now she doesn't bother because she knows he'll do it for her. She's never done anything "hard" for herself in her whole life since somebody's always been doing it for her. She doesn't even discipline her down children; her son does because he can't stand it. She just doesn't care. She just doesn't care and she's lazy, irresponsible, and not yet fit to fulfill the "mother" role, mentally. There are people out there who aren't the best parents; I guess she's one of them.

*Sigh*I guess all we can hope for are her children to grow up to be the parent they never had towards their children. It just frustrates me how an adult, a mother, could be this lazy, irresponsible, and careless about her own children. I don't even have children and I find it ridiculous.
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