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Old 12-14-2012, 04:13 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Christmas Party

Subject: : Company Memo - The Christmas Party



FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 1, 2012

RE: Gala Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take
place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room
at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks!
We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing
along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa
Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts
among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be
over £10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets.
This gathering is only for employees!

Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family,

Patty

Company Memo

------------------------------------------------------------

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 2, 2012

RE: Gala Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish
employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which
often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.
However, from now on, we’re calling it our "Holiday Party." The same
policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to
those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas
tree and no Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other types of
music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,

Patty

Company Memo
------------------------------------------------------------

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees

DATE: October 3, 2012

RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name. I'm happy
to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that
reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed
to handle this?

Somebody?

And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed
since the union members feel that £10.00 is too much money and the
executives believe £10.00 is a little chintzy.


REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Company Memo
------------------------------------------------------------

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

To: All Employees

DATE: October 4, 2012

RE: Generic Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins
the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking
during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can
appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our
Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on
serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything
for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?


Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest
from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest
to the restrooms.

Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit
with Gay men, each group will have their own table.

Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.

To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks
that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about
confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.

We will have booster seats for short people.

Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.

I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in
the food . The Grill House suggests that people with high blood
pressure taste a bite first.

There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but
the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?

Patty


Company Memo

------------------------------------------------------------
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All ****ing Employees

DATE: October 5, 2012

RE: The F******g Holiday Party

I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!! We're going to keep this
party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit
quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so
quaintly put it, and you'll get your f*****g salad bar, including
organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They
scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them
scream right NOW!

The rest of you f*****g wierdos can kiss my ass. I hope you all have a
rotten holiday!

Drive drunk and die,

The Bitch from Hell!!!


Company Memo

------------------------------------------------------------


FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director


DATE: October 6, 2012


RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party


I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery
and I'll continue to forward your cards to her.


In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and
give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Holidays!

Joan



Ain't it the truth!
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Old 12-14-2012, 04:23 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Lol!!!
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Old 12-14-2012, 05:52 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Toby'shuman - sorry, I beat you to the punch line...see post #333.
- that one gave be a big belly laugh to
What have you laughed at today?
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Old 12-14-2012, 06:23 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Beaumont67 View Post
Toby'shuman - sorry, I beat you to the punch line...see post #333.
- that one gave be a big belly laugh to
What have you laughed at today?
Just call me Johnny come lately.
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Old 12-14-2012, 06:42 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Blahahahahahhahha. Thank you so much for this. I love a good laugh. Uh, true tho this be! :exercise 4::singer ::rockst ar::ea tchicken:
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Old 12-14-2012, 08:32 PM   #6 (permalink)
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OK, I will add a Xmas joke...I though was cute & some useful holiday tips.

Luck of the Draw
A man found himself in terrible financial difficulties. He is so desperate that for the first time in his life he gets down on his knees and prays to God for help. 'Dear God, I desperately need your help. I have no money to spend on Christmas presents for my family. Could you possibly arrange it so that I win the Lottery?' The lottery draw is held, but he wins nothing.

He sends another prayer to God. 'My business has gone bust and if I don't get some money soon I'll lose my car and my Christmas will be will be very difficult. Please fix things so I win the lottery.' Lottery night comes, but he's unlucky.

So he prays to God again. 'Please God, I've lost my car and now they're trying to take my house. Please help me to win the Lottery or our Christmas will be ruined.' Come lottery night, he again fails to win anything.

'Undeterred, be prays to God again. 'I am now a bankrupt, my house has been repossessed by the finance company and so has my car. We are now living on the street, but all I need to get my life back together and perhaps enjoy some kind of Christmas is to win the lottery.' Suddenly there's a flash of brilliant life as the heavens open and the man is confronted by the very voice of God himself. 'Hey, do me a favour will you, buy a ticket.'

Christmas Presents - Here are ten useful phrases for responding to Christmas presents you would rather not have received:
1. Thanks a lot!
2. My word! What a gift.
3. Well, well, well ...
4. If I hadn't put on so much weight recently it would have fitted me perfectly.
5. Gosh, I hope I never lose this. We're always losing things around here.
6. It's great; but I'm worried about the envy it may create.
7. Just my luck to get this on the very Christmas I promised to give all my gifts to charity.
8. Unfortunately, I am about to enter MI5's Witness Protection programme.
9. Frankly, I don't deserve this.
10. Really, you shouldn't have.
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Last edited by Beaumont67; 12-14-2012 at 08:44 PM..
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Old 12-17-2012, 12:32 AM   #7 (permalink)
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I'm all alone this Christmas (boohoo) so Christmas eve might be fun for me...

I'll be enjoying Hogmanay instead, so it's New Years that I'll be really busy

Shame we don't all live close sufficient to divide some champagne and dog biscuits
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Old 12-17-2012, 12:46 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Aalia Nebhan View Post
I'm all alone this Christmas (boohoo) so Christmas eve might be fun for me...

I'll be enjoying Hogmanay instead, so it's New Years that I'll be really busy

Shame we don't all live close sufficient to divide some champagne and dog biscuits
Me too. My partner doesn't get back till the 28th then it's Hogmanay in the true Scottish style lol.



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