cpittman

Well, the title says it all.

My fiance's mother was staying at our home because of a list of reasons, all based around the fact that she has no income. She has been trying to file for disability for the past 4 years, all because of the fact that she simply doesn't want to work.

I feel terribly that her situation falls back onto my fiance. He is deeply embarrassed of her and frustrated with the fact that she has no desire to do better for herself.

We essentially took her in for the first time about 3 years ago. She was with us for 4 months, and it was miserable by day 3. She is bitter, mean, and horribly sarcastic. Since then, she has stayed with us on and off.

Every time she is here, she treats us as if we are living in her home. She doesn't clean up after herself and does things we specifically ask her not to do. And when I say that she isn't clean, I mean she literally leaves dirty dishes lying around, and leaves a trail behind her. (I always thought that was just an expression!) We have a 2 y/o already. We shouldn't have to clean up after an adult as well.

The last time she was here I found myself missing things. Jewelry, toiletries, pictures, ANYTHING. And the strangest part (to me) is that the majority of things that went missing were stupid little stuff! Lo and behold, he ends up finding our things in her bags. Since then, he has told her to F* off essentially, and that she is not welcome to come around or call.

While I am selfishly glad that he had said these things, and without me saying anything, I don't know where to go from here. At the end of the day, it is his mom and she is living on the streets. That has got to hurt.

Do we ignore her? Until when? How can I help my fiance though all of this? Any and all thoughts appreciated. I need some unbiased ideas!

Beaumont67

cpittman
#1 - I hope the MIL bit*h is no longer living in your home, and never allowed to visit your property...period.
- rude is one thing, stealing is in another ball bark

45 years ago, my granny on Mom's side was living with one sister for over a decade.
One other sister wanted to control the will and receive future $$.
So she had the B-Atch move in with her and had the will changed...LOL
With 12 aunts & uncles (in the family), 3 months later, the old batt is shipped off to one new house/month.

In grade8 - once my bro and I got off the school bus, the TV went on and while making toast with jam, I turned around to ask grandma something, with a butter knife in my hand...she was several feet away.
Within a week, she told one of her daughters that I pointed a knife at her, and now all the relatives heard this made up story.
When the knife lie got back to my Mom & Dad, my pops said (mad as hell) to my mother:
- pack her FR**IN bags tonight, she is going back to live with your sister that controlls the will...right now
- and in the car she went, never to stay overnight again
A few years later the MIL died, the will was read and there wasn't sufficient funds to bury her...LOL
- my parents were asked to chip in (money wise $$) and they both laughed their heads off
My Dad said, his wifes sister's problem, as she had the will changed.
- looking back, the butter knife lie, was the "straw that broke the camels back"

When you have proof of theft, your decision should be very-very easy to make...when relatives bring pain to your loving family, fix it without grief.
We laughed about the bread butter knife story, for decades later...no regrets, but a blessing in hindsight.
- all my cousins loved the story to, how a mean grandma was shipped off, one night...never to return with a suitcase
(luckly my granny on Dad's side was the most loving lady in my growing up life)

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KevinK

If somebody doesn't have the desire to help themselves, then you CAN NOT help them. You are just prolonging the inevitable, which in this situation, is everyone being upset, miserable to go home, and at some point, the mother would probably be on the street again anyways.

LindaH

Just don't ever encourage him to invite her back in. As previously said, you cannot help someone who will not help themselves. As long as she has somewhere to land, she won't improve.

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ellenm

I agree with the other posters. Hard to see someone down on their luck, but if they make no effort to help themselves, and are stealing from you to boot... that's just wrong.
I'd follow the lead of her son in this, as he's obviously seen and been through enough.

RedFawnRising

She sounds mentally ill.

Has she ever had an eval, and tx attempts?

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pdubois64

Sounds like an episode of Monster in Laws. Sorry for your situation, that must be tough.

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Dillon:b.2/19/09 d.9/28/12 "The best walks in life are always the briefest"

Sherryh

Nothing is free ............if she doesn't follow your guide then there are many shelters that love people like her,Salvation Army,Good Will.But stealing your things has to stop............

LCalvert

If she can't be trusted I wouldn't let her back in your home. Try to help her with resources to get back on her feet, like contact your state department. Also sounds like she may have a mental health problem maybe she would need treatment?

Toby'shuman

On this, you should take your Fiance's lead, he has had enough, if you try bring her back into the fold then he will not thank you for this. It has to be his decision, plain and simple.

And if he does, a few ground rules need to be set.

If you are under my roof, you clean up after yourself, you stop with the nastiness and if you ever steal from me again......

My hubby had a man working under him who had 2 sons.
At the time we lived in the middle east. Each vacation time all the kids came over to stay and of course they all got together to hang out around the pool.
One day my son came home, very distressed. His dads watch, which he had borrowed (so he could make sure he came home on time for tea) had gone missing. He had searched everywhere, his friends helping him but to no avail.
He could only conclude because of this, it had been stolen.
Suspicion landed upon the head of one of the gardeners, a man who had been seen in the area but who swore he had not taken the watch.
So we did a bit more sleuthing and discovered other watches had gone missing over a period of time some of which the gardener hadn't even been on our compound.
It turned out it was one of their friends.
Now that boy could have ended up arrested, he could have ended up losing his right hand for those thefts if we had pushed for justice (Saudi style) and he knew it. Yet he still stole the watches, in total it was nigh on a dozen, ranging in value from a few hundred dollars to my hubbys a several thousand.
Was he mentally ill, not one bit, was he a nasty piece of work who turned on the people he should have cared about, his friends, oh yes.
He was shipped home the same day as the watches were discovered in his room and was never allowed back into Saudi ever again.

I felt sorry for his mother and father, they were decent hard working, honest people. They couldnt understand why their son had done what he had done.

I came to the conclusion it was because some folk are just plain bad.

flaminscotch

If your house is too quiet and calm without the MIL, I will send you mine.
On a positive note, she is a good baker.

Kekly

I was thinking the same thing. She seems to have some sort of mental illness. Have you or SO looked into getting her into a treatment program? She may not even know she has a mental illness.

lolonurse

Hi - You are very fortunate to have a SO who recognizes his mom's problems and is protective of you and his home (and his relationship with you & your toddler). My MIL lived with us for 15 years (after my FIL died, until her death) - she was very clean, very trustworthy as far as honesty - but for the first few years, she was a total bitch, and seemed to entertain herself instigating fights and problems between my DH and me. Finally I had enough, and gave her a piece of my mind, and over the next couple of years, we slowly became good friends (shocker!)

Your MIL-to-be sounds like she has major issues, whether emotional, psychiatric, substance-related - - - doesn't matter. If she isn't willing to get help dealing with them, that's her problem. You are right to want peace and safety in your home, and imo, you are right in never letting her stay with you again unless she makes a 180 turnaround.

(I have a sister who is a lifelong klepto... she not only steals from stores, but from family, but family has always been in denial of it, even when faced with pretty damning evidence. It has caused periods of 5 or 10 years of no communication with her, yet she has never, ever admitted to it, except once when it jeopardized custody of her children. Other than that, it was always someone else's fault or mistake.)

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VZ-Doberman

You can't help someone who won't help them self. If she truly has mental issues then see if you can get her into a treatment program. If she refuses to do that then I would make the program a requirement for any future relationship.

cpittman

You guys are all right. I had never thought of some sort of mental issue. Is there a type that you guys are thinking of? I would have no idea where to start with that...

My fiance won't really open up and tell me what he is thinking, yet. That is the part that concerns me. I just can't imagine how upsetting this must be for him. And I hope he does eventually tell me exactly how he feels.

Part of me still wonders why he decided to check her bags. I can't imagine thinking that my mother had done something like that...

What are tx attempts?

cpittman

Surely this will sound ridiculous, but Romeo never liked her. In fact the first time, we were trying to calm him down for about a half an hour. I always wondered why...

dobermansrule

you don't have to have her in your home. Offer to drive her to a local homeless shelter. maybe they will have resources there to get her help. Or send her to Portland, OR - the homeless here have options and get help if they really want it.

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Toby'shuman

Only a doctor can really say if her problems are due to a mental illness or the like.

Thing is, unless she agrees to see a doctor and accept his/her findings then nothing can be done.

And unless your Fiance is on side I would advise you tread carefully. For a son to turn against his own mother suggests he has past experience with her having sticky fingers etc.
And perhaps his throwing her out is his way of giving her the short sharp shock he believes she needs to seek help.

natdobe

This made me belly laugh! I'll send you mine too. It is good that your fiancé stood up to her. I'm sorry about your situation. My MIL wouldn't steal any of our belongings BUT she would love to steal her son away from me! She thinks I'm not worthy of him. She thinks everything including our dog's are HIS. She thinks he takes care of them which is funny because he doesn't even know what meds they take, how much to feed them, etc. He doesn't even know the name of the vet we use! I'm not knocking him because I do stay at home and take care of them and all of the house work, but she just thinks he takes care of everything. Sorry for derailing the thread, but MIL issues make my blood boil!

RedFawnRising

Sorry, treatment attempts.

It may be they will find some depression and anxiety issues. There may also be some components of one or more personality disorder(s). Which is not the same thing as someone having a crappy personality that gets on your nerves

As someone else already mentioned, if substance abuse is part of the issue, well, that complicates things even more. Sometimes, even folks you'd never see as a "drunk" or stoner, may be abusing prescription medications.

You just never know, but usually when someone's life is THAT crapped up, there is an underlying mental health issue of some sort. They still need to take responsiblity as they recover, but it may be she will not be able to change without help.

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