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Old 11-14-2012, 12:43 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Relationships...

Not sure how to keep this short.

I lost my girlfriend of 3 years back at the start of September. We lived together for 2 of those years.

Near the end it did get ugly with arguments, but overall they weren't too frequent...once every few months maybe. But near the end, she was throwing objects at me....now don't get me wrong, I'm a good guy.

The main issue with her was that I had a horrible issue comminucating with her through text messages and sometimes calling, which we discussed in the past to just look at her phone more often. Often she would forget to look at her phone when she was going to be out late (or so she said). On a few occassions I got worried about where she was and would call until she picked up...sometimes in excess of 50 calls...crazy, I know. I was worried sick and don't know how I thought more than 1 call would get her attention.

Anyhow, with her last year of University on the go, she decided that the stress of my occassional harassment would hurt her ability to focus on her studies, so she gave me 2 weeks notice and told me that she signed an 8 month lease.

When she left I didn't play it very cool...for the first couple weeks I would send an email or a text message every other day trying to plead my case to get her back, but I was not being mean in anyway when I wrote them.
I tried speaking with her friends, parents and brother with no answers, I got harsh words from her telling me to leave her alone, to give her space and that she no longer loved me. I was heartbroken something fierce and didn't know what else to do except to fight for it....eventually I stopped all contact as I didn't want to seem like a stalker.

Early this morning at 2:30am I lept out of bed being scared shitless of my loud ringtone (new phone, not used to it yet)....it was her...she had claimed to be sick and not able to sleep, and that she pondered calling me for 15minutes before she did...She said she didn't want it to end on such a bad note. It all really seemed like an apology call without an actual apology. She mentioned still wanting to move on, but that she would return the things I loaned to her when she moved out. I recall we both said that we love each other during this call as well. The call lasted an hour and 40 minutes.

I don't know how to handle this to be honest. I don't know how she can start the breakup by cursing, swearing and blocking me on random things to calling me wanting to make sure that things are ok between us before we move on...who does that?? Moving on is NOT contacting the other person...even people at her work are telling her that they have seen me walking the dog around...why would they do that??

I almost hate that I picked up the phone. I was starting to feel somewhat normal again after drinking myself silly almost daily for 2 months....and now I'm wondering if she really wanted to smooth things out before she moves on or is she getting her foot back in the door?

Isn't it a selfish thing to do? To call and stir things back up for me (which she knows would have happened) just so she can have closure and feel less guilty when she was the one who left?

It doesn't make sense.
someone please kill me.

sorry for the rant.
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Old 11-14-2012, 01:10 PM   #2 (permalink)
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fellow guy here... how can I say this diplomatically and politically correct... don't try to make sense of women. You will drive yourself crazy. Just move on.

My opinion - if y'all were meant to be after three years - it would be by now.

I'm married by the way fwiw.
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Old 11-14-2012, 01:13 PM   #3 (permalink)
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I agree with dobermansrule...we're a complicated species sometimes, and if after three years it goes the way it went just walk away. You knew what you had and she didn't and it sound slike she still isn't sure what she wants. Seriously save your self the trouble....7 years with the guy(well 5 "with" and 2 after but still having to deal with him) a useless semi-around ex-bf/baby-daddy and a two year old later my best friend finally gets why I told her the same thing in their first few HUGE fights and semi break ups
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Old 11-14-2012, 01:14 PM   #4 (permalink)
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There's a reason why she is your ex, don't forget that, keep a level head. Someone who throws things is not stable or mature. Cut ties and keep moving forward. It's cliche but there really are so many more women out there, and sane ones. When I stopped looking for my ideal perfect boyfriend, that is when he showed up in my life
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Old 11-14-2012, 01:16 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Im no good at these sort of things, but didnt want to read and run!

To me, its sounding like she's just feeling a bit lost and lonley. I dunno, but I think when people split from a long term relationship that just wasnt working, some people get worried about whether it was the right thing to do, almost second guessing their actions because there wasnt the sudden improvement in their lives they were hoping for after the split. Other times, I think people feel lost because they are no longer the centre of someone's attention. They dont want to be with that person, but then they're not ready for that person to move on. To me, it sounds like a very selfish phonecall on her behalf, whatever the reason.

Personally, I wouldnt get in further contact. It ended for a reason, even if she did want to make another go at it (it doesnt sound like she does anyway) I dont think its something that would be easy to get over and might come up again later in the relationship in arguments. Why delay the inevitable?

I would personally try to forget about her, if she's got some stuff to return get her to return it to a friend of yours. Join some clubs, make yourself busy and get some hobbies, meet new people and feel comfortable and confident in yourself
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Old 11-14-2012, 01:22 PM   #6 (permalink)
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As a woman, based on your side of the story, my advice to you is to walk away. It was selfish of her to call you knowing it would stir your emotions again. The fact that there was no apology (implied doesn't count) speaks volumes and I don't really get the sense you want this particular relationship back, despite missing her as I'm sure you do.

She is not dealing with you respectfully. Delete her number and move on. Don't be surprised if she attempts to pop back up again, especially if you find someone new.
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Old 11-14-2012, 01:28 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Good Advise

I am a mature (he-he) women who has seen this many times before. Take all the good advise you were given. Move on, she was feeling lost when she called you and thinking of herself NOT you. It is not a women thing, men do this too. Please just move on and you will find the person that would never treat you like this. She is playing an immature game and some people never grow up - she will do it again if you let her. Take care.
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Old 11-14-2012, 01:47 PM   #8 (permalink)
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thanks for the opinions everyone.

part of me wishes I never picked up the phone, the other part wants me to make it work.

The reason she is my ex is not from my own decision, I was quite happy actually and the breakup was honestly a shock.
She motivated me to quit drugs and get studying...I've certainly fallen off that ledge but I'm trying to sober up again.

I tried so many things during the relationship to keep it together...hell, I rescued Lexi as a symbol of my unconditional love for her...she wanted a dog so bad, I figured I was the best boyfriend in the world for making that a reality....when she left I told her to keep a set of keys so she can still be part of her life...then one day I found that set of keys on my kitchen table.

she did sound ridiculously confused on the phone...one of her first few words was "Hi", and then "I don't know why I'm calling". 2 hours later she obviously misses me, the call turned into a "catch up" conversation, and now today I'm back to picking up the pieces of confusion.
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Old 11-14-2012, 01:51 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Walk away. Remember when you think back fondly on your relationship with her that you don't miss her but the person you WISH she was. But she isn't. If she was she wouldn't have thrown things and more importantly needlessly worried you to death. Relationship is compromise. I don't care if my husband decides to stay out longer than anticipated but I expect a phonecall or text to let me know he is ok so I don't worry. It's simple courtesy.
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Old 11-14-2012, 02:03 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dave_L View Post
She motivated me to quit drugs and get studying...I've certainly fallen off that ledge but I'm trying to sober up again.
You need to be a champion of your own health. You cannot allow someone else to be responsible for it or you will make yourself too vulnerable in these situations. Please make yourself a priority right now. Start dating you! Seriously, spend this newly found freedom of yours getting well, getting sober, staying sober and treating yourself kindly and with respect.

Some people like projects. Maybe you were hers for a while and once you were hunky-dory she was ready to move on. There are endless facets to a break-up and that could be one.

In any case, I was alarmed when I read this so wanted to give you some encouragement. Hang in there.
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Old 11-14-2012, 02:06 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Value yourself enough to get sober.

Don't do it because of any other person, do it for you. (Okay, well, maybe for Lexi too, but she's better than another person.)

When you're ready--and it will be a while, don't let it get you down and giving up--you'll have learned some new skills.

Skills that will help you observe character, rather than personality.

That will help you require others to earn your trust, rather than you just giving it too freely. And I'm not talking about being bitter or making the next gal "pay" for the sins of the ex. I mean being able to really SEE who has a good heart and soul, and then putting your trust in that.


Sorry if this sound harsh, but you did not show the ex any respect when you harassed her (using your word) and bothered her family and friends.

She didn't show any respect for you, or for herself, by devolving into throwing things and acting like a crazy person.

The whole thing sounds like two people who are not evil, but do need to work on getting their own heads on straight, first. Probably neither one of you should try to do that alone--that's just being masochistic. Get some help, whatever kind of help works for you, and don't give up 'til you find what/who works for you.

There.

Now, could you fix my life, for me?
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Old 11-14-2012, 02:11 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Quote:
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Now, could you fix my life, for me?
I would but I'm just too tired today. I'll put it, along with my own life, on the list for tomorrow
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Old 11-14-2012, 02:28 PM   #13 (permalink)
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I totally agree with the others about doing things for yourself, not for anyone else.

I found that my confidence (and my whole life, really) improved when I started to put time a side for myself and things I wanted to do, and looked forward to the future and the bigger picture rather than worrying about immediate problems (or people!) I started doing activities to meet new people and further my own skills. I would write lists of things I wanted to achieve, starting with small things and putting in larger things and getting to check them off is so rewarding I did languages classes, craft classes, fitness classes and things with the dogs (got hooked on showing!) and felt much better for it. I found that I was hanging around with a lot of negative people previously, and found surrounding myself with more positive, active people made a big difference too.

We also have the saying over here (not sure if you guys have the same) 'A change is as good as a rest' meaning sometimes you just need a big change to shake things up and get you out of a rut. I changed jobs to a completely different vocation and it really gave me the shove to start changing other aspects.
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Old 11-14-2012, 02:31 PM   #14 (permalink)
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I don't really have any advice that's any better than what's already been given.

I will say that you don't sound like you were truly happy in the relationship, her lack of communication and you calling repeatedly....... that's not a mark of a happy relationship. Add to that her throwing things, etc....

I also will say, stay sober for you and don't feel like you should give her another chance just b/c she motivated you in the past.

I would move on. You and Lexi will find a nice woman, a woman who will communicate with you and not throw things at you and one whome you won't have to resort to harassing in order to get a response from.

I think your ex is probably just a little unsure about things right now and is having, like somebody else said, that moment of "is my life really better"..... and she's second guessing herself and is unfortunately pulling you along with her. I would maybe block her number from calling you and delete it from your phone.

ETA: Take everything I just said with a grain of salt, no expert here, but I am a woman, in a relationship and I know that not one part of my relationship includes refusing to communicate or throwing things, fwiw.
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Old 11-14-2012, 02:57 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Walk away, straighten yourself out and let your heart heal.

She called because she is feeling bad, lonely or whatever, she didnt think of how it would affect you. That is not the act of someone who truly cares.

My son had just such a girlfriend. They were together for over 2 years, then suddenly she needed her space, six months of him crying on my shoulder she suddenly turns up on his doorstep, saying she wanted to be friends, then once he started to consider it she wormed her way back in. Against my advice he took her back. Six months later she dumped him again. She used him, why? Maybe because she was at a low point and needed a crutch, maybe because she didnt like the idea he had started to live again. She left him heartbroken, in debt and close to doing something stupid. Oh, by the way, she kept tabs on him just as your girlfriend has, had her friends tell her what he was up to, how he was doing using this to convince him she cared.

Yeah right, she left him so broken it was painful to witness.

I just asked my son what he would advise you to do.

He said, tell her to take a hike if she calls again you are better off without her.
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Old 11-14-2012, 04:56 PM   #16 (permalink)
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It's normal for people to have second thoughts and make those late night confused calls when they are lonely. That doesn't mean they should get back together.

Oh how I wish when my ex-boyfriend and I were breaking up that I just cut ties with him altogether instead of keeping up with the phone calls that just drew out the inevitable. But it's hard to move on from someone you've been with for years. It's normal. But if I had to do it again, I'd just tell him to leave me the hell alone at the beginning and moved on right then.

It sounds like you were in an unhealthy relationship and its good you aren't together anymore. Life is too short to stay with someone you don't mesh with.
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Old 11-14-2012, 05:07 PM   #17 (permalink)
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Middle of the night phone calls don't count as anything but overtired & possibly emotional cr*p. Ignore anything that might come of it. (She may well be stressing about school btw - only 5 or 6 weeks left & the pressure is on. Do NOT be her outlet, she's already said that isn't your place in her life anymore.)

That said - it wasn't that she wasn't looking at the phone (she lied about that), it was that you two got into a cycle where you texted & she felt persecuted so she didn't respond & without a response you would text or call some more. It's not a healthy way of dealing with life. You overdid it & she didn't behave with any maturity & pick up the phone the first time.

It's done - you are a wonderful guy (okay, I don't know this for sure), you have a wonderful dog, you can go on and be happy without her. When you are happy, someone else will come along that will properly fit with you.

Let her go & build something for yourself.
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Old 11-14-2012, 05:34 PM   #18 (permalink)
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Isn't it amazing how just when you start to move on they try to suck you back in again?? Yep, that's what happened. Like some others have said, it is completely normal for people to feel regret or second guess their decisions later on, even have loneliness and miss the other person. Seems like that's where your ex was, and she probably felt you slipping away. Often it seems we don't know what we had until its gone.

That being said, it doesn't sound like what you had was very healthy. I know that may not seem true to you right now, but you are down in it right now, so your view doesn't really count! Take note of the fact that so far not one person has recommended reconciling. That says a lot.

I can't agree more with the comments about focusing on you, bettering yourself and embracing YOU. It is so cliche, but you really can't be happy with someone else until you are happy with you. Once you stop looking is when that person will find you, and you will be the best YOU. That will make for an even better relationship the next go around.

In the meantime, it is one step at a time, one foot in front of the other. Some days you may just have to go through the motions. Get up. Go work out. Keep yourself busy, and surround yourself with people and things that make you feel good. Take note of those good moments, and latch on to those. Before you know it the pain will be a thing of the past and you may even look back and think "that breakup was the best thing that ever happened to me".

I know I've been there, and I've said it. Good luck, hang in there...no way to go but up!
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Old 11-14-2012, 05:47 PM   #19 (permalink)
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People come and go from our lives all the time. Some stay for a while and become like family, some are just short term acquaintances, and some are put in our life simply for us to learn from each other and grow from. You learned and grew from that relationship, now it's time to take those lessons and that knowledge and apply it to your future relationships. I'm not great with words but I hope you get my point
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Old 11-14-2012, 05:53 PM   #20 (permalink)
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Dave_L - nice to see you open up...not easy, but I respect you seeking answers/solutions....from us back seat drivers.
- Sunday quarter quarterbacks...

Forgive me if I am wrong, but reading between the lines:
#1 - she wasn't "wife material" / OR maybe she could have been....too late now
#2 - you might have a serious "control issue" with this partner & women, in general....if so, HOPE, you can do a 180^...moving forward
Someone in your last relationship has emotional baggage (her or you)...understanding this, outlines a road to more happiness.

#3 - now grow some ball, and chalked up to "leason learned".
- get off the alcohol (bottle), time to start over / new relationship(s), can be fun
Her phone calls now, are for your entainment purposes..."shits & giggles" can feel most rewading.
- water flowing under the bridge, can never be contained or controlled...PLEASE LET HER GO / LIFE is about learning and growing
NOT a report card or partner manipulation...You will find happiness, but TRUST is KEY...when you find the one, that LOVES YOU, more than YOURSELF !!
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Old 11-14-2012, 07:12 PM   #21 (permalink)
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Keep walking, don't look back. There are much better women out there.
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Old 11-14-2012, 07:45 PM   #22 (permalink)
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Toxic relationship, on both sides. Love your dog and forget about the other b!tch.
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Old 11-14-2012, 09:42 PM   #23 (permalink)
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IMHO, the hardest things to go though are often a blessing in disguise. Consider yourself lucky that you dodged this bullet and don't get tangled up again.
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Old 11-15-2012, 12:57 AM   #24 (permalink)
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Before I found my husband I dated a very controlling guy(3 years),who wanted to know where I was all the time. I finally broke it off and he continued to call me, wait for me after class at college. I had to tell him to leave me alone. As I look back it could have been ugly but I was blessed to be around people that loved and cared for me. I met my husband when he started walking over floors that I had just cleaned at college.Learn and move on.........you have some good advice here ...........
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Old 11-15-2012, 08:31 AM   #25 (permalink)
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Thanks everyone

I sent her a couple follow up text messages, thinking it would be ok...I basically said it was a nice chat, and wondered when I could meet her. Mostly just to get the things she said she would return.

Her responses were...

"dont text me"
"eff off"

and then she went on about how her call was just "random" and how she doesn't want to talk...

Seriously, who does that? it wasn't even 12 hours later from the near 2 hour phone call...

I told her that her phone call was low, selfish, and the next time she has the urge to call to not bother...I also said that she hasn't changed, how I had always been there for her, but when it came down to me needing her that she always had her own dam agenda...

I was doing so much better and her call really set me back
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