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Old 11-15-2012, 09:50 AM   #26 (permalink)
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Dave, don't even engage her. She is emotionally unstable and you just need to ignore and move on. Stop responding to her, it's just going to drag it out. Definitely STOP insulting her! That will just piss her off and give her ammo. You have to just cut off all communication and self-reflect, keep yourself busy. It's not easy, but doing the right and best thing rarely is.


You questioned "who says that?" CRAZY people say that! Arrange for a friend or family member to get your belongings, you don't need to see her or speak to her if you're trying to move forward.

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Old 11-15-2012, 10:00 AM   #27 (permalink)
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Before I found my husband I dated a very controlling guy(3 years),who wanted to know where I was all the time. I finally broke it off and he continued to call me, wait for me after class at college. I had to tell him to leave me alone. As I look back it could have been ugly but I was blessed to be around people that loved and cared for me. I met my husband when he started walking over floors that I had just cleaned at college.Learn and move on.........you have some good advice here ...........
I was never really controlling.

It was simple in my mind...if she said she was going out and would be home at X time...or she would be done work at X time...if she isn't going to be home...it's common curtesy to let me know.

There were times when she was kept late at work and couldn't even stop to give me a 5 second text message about it, meanwhile I would be either waiting to make dinner or I already had dinner on the table....once I ordered in a bunch of food as a surprise for us both and she was HOURS late...I threw it all out I was so mad...

I guess I just had a feeling she was intentionally ignoring me. A lot of BS could have been avoided if she was just responsible in the relationship. I really shouldn't have pressured the matter by spam texting or calling...I guess it's one of those things that really bothers me when someone wont do the simple things, even knowing it will avoid problems later.
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Old 11-15-2012, 10:09 AM   #28 (permalink)
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Dave, don't even engage her. She is emotionally unstable and you just need to ignore and move on. Stop responding to her, it's just going to drag it out. Definitely STOP insulting her! That will just piss her off and give her ammo. You have to just cut off all communication and self-reflect, keep yourself busy. It's not easy, but doing the right and best thing rarely is.


You questioned "who says that?" CRAZY people say that! Arrange for a friend or family member to get your belongings, you don't need to see her or speak to her if you're trying to move forward.
Believe me, what I said to her was tame compared to what I held back from saying. I'm trying not to sink to her level.

Crazy is the right word, and I guess I am a little as well for even still having emotions for this woman. It's just a shock because the relationship wasn't bad...I don't know what happened to her...school stress? I don't know...she claims the reasons for her leaving was my harassment...which to be honest....was maybe 4 or 5 times as I explained before, over 3 years...

The last argument we had...she was trying to get me to hit her (which obviously I didn't and never had before)...and then when I took her keys and asked her to leave, she said she would throw herself against the wall, call the police and create some tears when they show up....
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Old 11-15-2012, 11:22 AM   #29 (permalink)
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Believe me, what I said to her was tame compared to what I held back from saying. I'm trying not to sink to her level.

Crazy is the right word, and I guess I am a little as well for even still having emotions for this woman. It's just a shock because the relationship wasn't bad...I don't know what happened to her...school stress? I don't know...she claims the reasons for her leaving was my harassment...which to be honest....was maybe 4 or 5 times as I explained before, over 3 years...

The last argument we had...she was trying to get me to hit her (which obviously I didn't and never had before)...and then when I took her keys and asked her to leave, she said she would throw herself against the wall, call the police and create some tears when they show up....
You are best out of this relationship.

I cannot tell you how much what you are saying is a mirror image to what my son went through, not just with one girl but 2. Both times he thought he had met his soul mate, envisaged they had a future together and both times he got engaged to them only to have them throw it back in his face when they thought something better was on the horizon. And what's more, both of these girls called him up months later, saying, 'hi, I, don't quite know why I am calling but........' Well Dave, I will tell you why they called, why your girlfriend called, it is because such women are utterly selfish and think only of themselves.

Block / delete her number.

Ask a friend to take her the things she left in your flat, (that is a classic get into your head and mess it up manouever) and put all thoughts of her out with the trash.
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Old 11-15-2012, 11:32 AM   #30 (permalink)
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You know what - you two are a bad fit.

It's not because either of you are bad, but together it's a mismatch. She needs someone less emotional so she can be eratic, unpredictable, selfish and nonchalant about the relationship and her partner be not at all that bothered by it. And you need someone more sensitive, someone who cares to call when they are late, someone who likes checking in with you to make sure you know they're ok, someone who bends over backwards to make the special dinner you had planned.

He's out there for her and she's out there for you. But you two together is not gonna work if you both want your needs met.

I agree with getting a friend/relative to meet her for possession exchange. Rip that bandade off and move on.
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Old 11-16-2012, 01:17 AM   #31 (permalink)
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I look at these things like they are now someone else's problem.
There is nothing more empowering than sticking to your boundaries and living the best life you can- without them.

You picked a scab off a wound, temporary set back -don't do it again by letting her get back under your skin.

Think of all the potential drama you're missing whenever you're tempted to backslide.

eta: I've found it very rewarding to leave a closed door shut when the other person thought they could walk in and out whenever they wanted to at will. The "look" of surprise is delicious. Life is so short and too many worthwhile people on this planet to waste on button pushers.

ps.I don't stay friends with exes, ever. Men usually want something down the road and women are content to yank you around as their emotional fail safe without a payoff.
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Old 11-16-2012, 01:50 AM   #32 (permalink)
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She sounds Bipolar Dave. I dated a crazy girl some years back, it took me a while to get over the whole thing. She wound up hanging around some guy that was trying to get in her pants all the time before we broke up, it reached a point where his actions were very disrespecful of our relationship and she ended up dumping me via text messege a day or two after our one year anniversery and running off with the fool. It wasn't too surprising, I knew the score.

She still attempts to contact me here and there. Due to her ever phone number being different each attempt, I wind up texting with her just long enough to figure out who it is then ignore her. Then she wanted to be friends, why the hell do you girls do that anyways? We don't want to be friends with you.





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Originally Posted by Dave_L View Post
Thanks everyone

I sent her a couple follow up text messages, thinking it would be ok...I basically said it was a nice chat, and wondered when I could meet her. Mostly just to get the things she said she would return.

Her responses were...

"dont text me"
"eff off"

and then she went on about how her call was just "random" and how she doesn't want to talk...

Seriously, who does that? it wasn't even 12 hours later from the near 2 hour phone call...

I told her that her phone call was low, selfish, and the next time she has the urge to call to not bother...I also said that she hasn't changed, how I had always been there for her, but when it came down to me needing her that she always had her own dam agenda...

I was doing so much better and her call really set me back
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Old 11-16-2012, 10:35 AM   #33 (permalink)
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The last argument we had...she was trying to get me to hit her (which obviously I didn't and never had before)...and then when I took her keys and asked her to leave, she said she would throw herself against the wall, call the police and create some tears when they show up....
If there is not any other obvious reason for you to completely stop all communication with her, please re-read what you just wrote.

This person is unstable and is a cancer in your life.

There is no relationship left here to salvage, which is actually a good thing because it makes what you have to do easier. Block her number, throw her sh!t out and be done with it.
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Old 11-16-2012, 11:40 AM   #34 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Burns View Post
If there is not any other obvious reason for you to completely stop all communication with her, please re-read what you just wrote.

This person is unstable and is a cancer in your life.

There is no relationship left here to salvage, which is actually a good thing because it makes what you have to do easier. Block her number, throw her sh!t out and be done with it.
sounds like a Lifetime movie....
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Old 11-16-2012, 02:36 PM   #35 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Dave_L View Post
Thanks everyone

I sent her a couple follow up text messages, thinking it would be ok...I basically said it was a nice chat, and wondered when I could meet her. Mostly just to get the things she said she would return.

Her responses were...

"dont text me"
"eff off"

and then she went on about how her call was just "random" and how she doesn't want to talk...

Seriously, who does that? it wasn't even 12 hours later from the near 2 hour phone call...

I told her that her phone call was low, selfish, and the next time she has the urge to call to not bother...I also said that she hasn't changed, how I had always been there for her, but when it came down to me needing her that she always had her own dam agenda...

I was doing so much better and her call really set me back

Dave, I normally wouldn't ask this in such a public venue, but since you've brought it up and are openly discussing it--would you say you have an addictive personality?

If so, would you consider that you are addicted to being entangled with this particular girl?

Last one, and the hardest--why is it that you allow other forces to take your power, to be in control of your life and your destiny?

Substances, relationship drama, doesn't matter, it's all toxic to you, and keeps you from really being, well, you, your best "you."


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Originally Posted by Dave_L View Post
I was never really controlling.

It was simple in my mind...if she said she was going out and would be home at X time...or she would be done work at X time...if she isn't going to be home...it's common curtesy to let me know.

There were times when she was kept late at work and couldn't even stop to give me a 5 second text message about it, meanwhile I would be either waiting to make dinner or I already had dinner on the table....once I ordered in a bunch of food as a surprise for us both and she was HOURS late...I threw it all out I was so mad...

I guess I just had a feeling she was intentionally ignoring me. A lot of BS could have been avoided if she was just responsible in the relationship. I really shouldn't have pressured the matter by spam texting or calling...I guess it's one of those things that really bothers me when someone wont do the simple things, even knowing it will avoid problems later.
To the sentence I bolded there.

Well, duh, of course she was intentionally ignoring you. After fifty text messages, who can blame her, though?

Look, she WAS sending you a VERY clear message--you just weren't ready to see it, and maybe still aren't.

She was telling you she was not able or willing to meet your needs in the relationship. She was not telling you that appropriately, or honestly, but in a passive-aggressive way--but she was telling you, nevertheless.

I think everyone needs a sponsor, when they're having a bad breakup. You know, that person you call every time you're tempted to drunk dial or drunk text the ex. The person who gets ya off the ledge, until next time.



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sounds like a Lifetime movie....
I KNEW IT.

I knew you watched those. You still like show tunes, too, right?
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Old 11-16-2012, 04:14 PM   #36 (permalink)
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I KNEW IT.

I knew you watched those. You still like show tunes, too, right?
well, I try to avoid them.. but if the significant other has one on, and I happen by, they are addicting
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Old 11-16-2012, 06:17 PM   #37 (permalink)
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i think everyone needs a sponsor, when they're having a bad breakup. You know, that person you call every time you're tempted to drunk dial or drunk text the ex. The person who gets ya off the ledge, until next time.
yes!!!
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Old 11-16-2012, 06:33 PM   #38 (permalink)
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well, I try to avoid them.. but if the significant other has one on, and I happen by, they are addicting
Sure.

In fact, she probably forces you to watch them.
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Old 11-16-2012, 08:18 PM   #39 (permalink)
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Sure.

In fact, she probably forces you to watch them.
My hubby willingly admits he likes Lifetime movies. He'll sit and watch them for hours, and then tells me which ones are good so I will watch them with him lol
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Old 11-17-2012, 01:38 PM   #40 (permalink)
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My take on it and I could be totally wrong. The last two times I have heard someone say they needed space, they needed that space to try out a new BF/GF, when it didn't work out with the new one, they wanted to get back with the old one.

Like I said, I could be very wrong, but I still think it is best if you walk away and find someone who will respect you and your feelings.

I wish you well.
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Old 11-17-2012, 02:26 PM   #41 (permalink)
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Dave - That awful feeling that you have right now will only last if you let it - don't let it - reread all the good advise you were given - take a deep breath and even if you have to force yourslelf to just go through the motions DO IT. When you get even a small bit of feeling good about something - grab on to it and say YES, this is how I want to feel and REMEMBER what it feels like. The more you train your brain to feel that GOOD part - the more it stays with you. I know it is hard but sometimes you have to force yourself to move on and take care of yourself. Good Luck.
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Old 11-20-2012, 09:23 AM   #42 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by RedFawnRising View Post
Dave, I normally wouldn't ask this in such a public venue, but since you've brought it up and are openly discussing it--would you say you have an addictive personality?

If so, would you consider that you are addicted to being entangled with this particular girl?

Last one, and the hardest--why is it that you allow other forces to take your power, to be in control of your life and your destiny?

Substances, relationship drama, doesn't matter, it's all toxic to you, and keeps you from really being, well, you, your best "you."




To the sentence I bolded there.

Well, duh, of course she was intentionally ignoring you. After fifty text messages, who can blame her, though?

Look, she WAS sending you a VERY clear message--you just weren't ready to see it, and maybe still aren't.

She was telling you she was not able or willing to meet your needs in the relationship. She was not telling you that appropriately, or honestly, but in a passive-aggressive way--but she was telling you, nevertheless.

I think everyone needs a sponsor, when they're having a bad breakup. You know, that person you call every time you're tempted to drunk dial or drunk text the ex. The person who gets ya off the ledge, until next time.
I loved her, that's all there was to it. I would have worked through the bad times like I had already been doing. I don't tell someone I love them just to give up on them, right.

I'm stubborn and I suppose I have a slight addictive personality but it's not over the top.

I started drinking heavy because it was just very difficult coming home. To see the walls partially empty with screws where things used to be, some furniture gone etc. I injured my foot pretty bad so I was in a lot of pain and barely able to walk for near 2 months.
Everything was just very unreal and I couldn't stop my mind from asking myself the many various unanswered questions.

I realize that my harassing text messages was stupid. It didn't start like that though, I would give her some time to respond to the first one. It bothered me a lot because we sat down and talked about the things that we do which annoy each other and how we both want to make things better, her lack of communication was one of the things that bothered me...it was only because I just wanted to make sure she was ok and usually only if she was late getting home or something. After we had that talk we both agreed that things had been getting better.
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Old 11-20-2012, 09:40 AM   #43 (permalink)
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The day after she called me I sent her an email.
I explained how her call was confusing etc and asked her nicely to stop contacting me. I told her that I have been seeing someone else (which isn't far from the truth) who treats me a lot better.

I figured that would keep her away...

Oh no, she got angry...

She called me and left a voice mail because I ignored the call. Saying how she tried to make the way things ended better because it was a 3 year relationship afterall. And then she went on to say how she is also seeing someone, and that she was seeing someone last summer while we were together. Basically she just started attacking me saying that if this person exists that I wont be able to hold a relationship...lol...as if she forgot that I held her around for 3 years being loyal and honest, but I guess she thinks she's better with relationships being a liar and a cheater....anyhow, I kept my cool about it.

I'm going to believe her story, however, if I know her like I think I do, she was lying and it was likely retaliation to my comment about seeing someone...that's usually how she rolls when it comes to arguments...defend yourself at all costs and say something that will hopefully hurt him but never ever open your mind to the fact that maybe you've caused a lot of the fights. It was rare when she did admit to starting a fight.
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Old 11-20-2012, 09:57 AM   #44 (permalink)
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As a man in a similar situation (separated since Dec. '11, divorce finalization right around the corner) I can tell you several things, in no particular order:

1) Girls are retarded, you need a woman. I was fortunately blessed with the 'anti drama/gossip gene'. All these little piddly texts and calls and drama related conversations, etc., you need to avoid those like the plague.

2) Like many others said, not everyone is meant to be with one another, and I don't care what anyone says...you truly don't know someone until you've lived with them.

3) It takes two to tango, don't place all of the blame on her or you...just chalk it up to whatever you need to chalk it up to for closure and move on. Remember, things can start off great, but you don't or she doesn't, have to do anything wrong, for one of you to find a reason to not like whatever it is you/she started not liking.

example: my ex was a horrible communicator. Would rather keep frustrations bottled up and punish me (usually with no bumping uglies time) and that is probably the worst thing you can do to a guy.

4) Kind of sounds to me like you have a touch of the drama/gossip gene going on. As in, you like or need the attention. Just the thought of being intertwined in a conversation, good or bad, intrigues you and gets you going.

Again, I am fortunate in that area. I've seen it too many times with guys and girls...complaining about another, day after day...could be a phone call they pass off as not wanting (why did you answer the phone then?), could be stupid facebook crap, etc., whatever.

My point: I had an ex break up with me some years ago, which was fine, then she tried to call me the next day to amend, over and over. I finally got tired of seeing her number pop up...I called my cell provider and asked them to change my phone number, which took all of 30 seconds. Boom, never heard from her again. In other words, homey don't play! lol.

Like dobermansrule said, don't even try to understand a girl like that...those are the retarded ones. The ones that communicate in mystery and riddles, need you to know what they are thinking and what to do without asking...

screw that!

As for you...you need to purge the drama gene from your mind and body and stop playing all the little attention games. I'm fairly certain this is not the only girl on the planet.
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Old 11-20-2012, 11:06 AM   #45 (permalink)
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I wouldn't say I'm big on drama.

Before she left she said (while in tears) "this would be good for the relationship in the long run", I disagreed with her. I said she was merely runing away from the problem while abandoning the dog at the same time and that I'd break up with her if she walks out the door. I even gave her the option to stay at a friends house for however long it takes. I guess I picked up the phone thinking she had enough time and space and was ready to work it out.

I didn't need conversation from her when I would text her while she was out. I was simply looking to know if things were ok if she happened to be a little late. She was always insecure about walking home alone and many times I would come get her, or it was simply in case of an emergency. I locked my house keys in my car once and it took a little over an hour to get in touch with her so I could get her set of keys...

It's retarded because while we were dating and I'm at work she asked me to call her on my breaks...10am, noon and 3pm. Which I did on a daily basis almost. I answered her text messages etc in a timely fashion...I realize sometimes you can't answer right away but I also realize it doesn't take much time to simply let me know what's up and roughly when you plan to be home. And don't get me wrong, she did update me the majority of the time...I just got sick with worry when she would be an hour or two or more late.

She had a bad habit of leaving her phone somewhere inconvinient. At home it would be in a different room from where she is, or when we were out together she just never looked at it, it was always in her purse....so it's hard to say if she ignored me or if she really forgot to look...in fact many times I would see her phone blinking and would let her know about it....

She had a bad skiing accident before I met her which left her with a bad concussion and her memory was effected by it, she needed constant reminders about many things.

I dunno. Sorry, it seems I'm rambling and thinking back on the days....
After hearing her latest story I'm going to leave it at that. When she claimed to have been seeing other people it didn't really do anything to me.
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Old 11-20-2012, 01:18 PM   #46 (permalink)
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Dave, you need stick to what you are saying, 'leave it alone'.
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