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Old 12-05-2012, 03:11 PM   #326 (permalink)
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This:

Big Girls Guide To Saving the World: Pit Bull Conspiracy – Where does the name Pit Bull really come from?

I laughed my ass off at this crock of crap
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Old 12-08-2012, 05:36 PM   #327 (permalink)
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A Touching Story on How Men Think
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears,
"You know what?

You have been with me all through the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me.

When my business failed, you were there.

When I got shot, you were by my side.

When we lost the house, you stayed right here.

When my health started failing, you were still by my side...

You know what Martha?"

"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began
to fill with warmth.

"I'm beginning to think you're bad luck."
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Old 12-09-2012, 10:41 PM   #328 (permalink)
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Old 12-11-2012, 06:55 PM   #329 (permalink)
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This Huskys reaction to Julia Roberts
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Old 12-11-2012, 07:25 PM   #330 (permalink)
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Old 12-12-2012, 02:35 PM   #331 (permalink)
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Doctor's office visit:

Concerned that I wasn't getting enough exercise, my doctor asked me about the activities I had performed yesterday, I told him about my day:

"Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded across the edge of a lake, marched up and down a mountain, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand, and jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake".

Inspired by my story, the doctor said, "You must be an awesome outdoorsman!"

"No," I replied, "I'm just a lousy golfer."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If Men Were Allowed to Write Advice Columns - from Manny's Problem Page.

Dear Manny:

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a few hundred yards down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.

When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was parading in front of the wardrobe mirror dressed in my underwear and high- heel shoes, and he was wearing my make up.

I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he had dressed in my lingerie because he couldn't find his own underwear. But when I asked him about the make up, he broke down and admitted that he'd been wearing my clothes for six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him.

He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?


Sincerely, Mrs. Sheila Billings


Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line.

If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold.

If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.

I hope this helps.

Manny
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Old 12-12-2012, 04:12 PM   #332 (permalink)
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Old 12-13-2012, 11:53 AM   #333 (permalink)
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What a chain of XMas events!

------------------------------------------------------------

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 1, 2012

RE: Gala Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take
place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room
at the Grill House.. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks!
We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing
along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa
Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts
among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be
over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets.
This gathering is only for employees!

Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family,

Patty

Company Memo

------------------------------------------------------------

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 2, 2012

RE: Gala Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish
employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which
often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.
However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same
policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to
those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas
tree and no Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other types of
music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,

Patty

Company Memo
------------------------------------------------------------

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees

DATE: October 3, 2012

RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name. I'm happy
to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that
reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed
to handle this?

Somebody?

And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed
since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the
executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.


REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Company Memo
------------------------------------------------------------

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

To: All Employees

DATE: October 4, 2012

RE: Generic Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins
the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking
during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can
appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our
Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on
serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything
for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?


Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest
from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest
to the restrooms.

Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit
with Gay men, each group will have their own table.

Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.

To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks
that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about
confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.

We will have booster seats for short people.

Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.

I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in
the food . The Grill House suggests that people with high blood
pressure taste a bite first.

There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but
the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?

Patty


Company Memo

------------------------------------------------------------

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All !!! Employees

DATE: October 5, 2012

RE: The Holiday Party

I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!! We're going to keep this
party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit
quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so
quaintly put it, and you'll get your !!! salad bar, including
organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They
scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them
scream right NOW!

The rest of you !!! wierdos can kiss my !!!. I hope you all have a
rotten holiday!

Drive drunk and die,

The Bitch from Hell!!!


Company Memo

------------------------------------------------------------

FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director


DATE: October 6, 2012


RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party


I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery
and I'll continue to forward your cards to her.


In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and
give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Holidays!


Joan
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Old 12-13-2012, 07:37 PM   #334 (permalink)
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Ho ho ho...redneck Santa =)))
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Old 12-13-2012, 11:53 PM   #335 (permalink)
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Old 12-14-2012, 12:05 AM   #336 (permalink)
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Old 12-14-2012, 02:59 AM   #337 (permalink)
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Old 12-14-2012, 12:10 PM   #338 (permalink)
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Old 12-14-2012, 09:17 PM   #339 (permalink)
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Lawyer story
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife
and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large
as the limousine was.

Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said,
"Sir, you are too kind."

"Thank you for taking all of us with you.

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place.
The grass is almost a foot high."


Come on now...you really didn't think there was such a thing as a
heart-warming lawyer story...did you????
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Old 12-15-2012, 01:05 PM   #340 (permalink)
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Old 12-17-2012, 05:05 PM   #341 (permalink)
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This::

27 Cats That Just Can't Handle It
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Old 12-17-2012, 06:06 PM   #342 (permalink)
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You should have put a warning label on that. "Caution: Extreme laughter may cause asthma attack!!" Oh, that Scottish Fold!!!! Loved the look on its face.
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Old 12-17-2012, 06:52 PM   #343 (permalink)
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Old 12-18-2012, 06:31 AM   #344 (permalink)
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Got to love the British Army!!

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Old 12-18-2012, 03:48 PM   #345 (permalink)
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Old 12-18-2012, 04:40 PM   #346 (permalink)
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Old 12-19-2012, 10:40 PM   #347 (permalink)
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Three Senior Golfers...

Three old golfers are walking down the fairway or in my case riding down the fairway,

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old,

"You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time nothing
happens."

"Ah, that's nothing," said the 70-year-old. "When you're 70, you don't
have a bowel movement anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothing happens."

"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."

"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.
"No, I pee every morning at 6.00 am. I pee like a racehorse; no problem at all."

"Do you have trouble having a bowel movement?" asked the 70-year 0ld.

"No, I have one every morning at 6.30 am."

Puzzled with this the 60-year-old said, "Let's get this straight. You
pee every morning at 6.00 am and poop every morning at 6.30 am. So what's so tough about being 80?"

"...I don't wake up until seven."
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Old 12-19-2012, 11:48 PM   #348 (permalink)
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Old 12-22-2012, 06:33 PM   #349 (permalink)
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On getting a parking ticket:

The other day I went downtown to run a few errands. I went into the local coffee shop for a snack.

I was only there for about 5 minutes, and when I came out, there was this cop writing out a parking ticket.

I said to him, 'Come on, man, how about giving an old autobodyman a break'?

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. His insensitivity annoyed me, so I called him a 'Nazi.'

He glared at me and then wrote out another ticket for having worn tires.

So I proceeded to call him a 'doughnut eating Gestapo.' He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he wrote a third ticket when I called him a moron in blue. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I talked back to him the
more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't really care. I came downtown on the bus, and the car that he was putting the tickets on had one of those bumper
stickers that said, ' Obama '08.'

I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm older. The doctor tells me that it's important for my health.
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Old 12-26-2012, 04:19 PM   #350 (permalink)
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