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Old 12-20-2012, 05:05 PM   #26 (permalink)
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Stay home and enjoy the "peace". Your compromise to crate should have been accepted , it was fair to all parties involved.
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Old 12-20-2012, 05:06 PM   #27 (permalink)
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like. My husband & I do the same. Keeps from fighting every holiday. I also have 7 horses that need 24/7 care.
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Old 12-20-2012, 05:18 PM   #28 (permalink)
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I don't get how threatening to become an angry mob is supposed to make you want to stay longer. It'd make me not want to come at all. Is this some new psychological mind trick I don't know about?


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Old 12-20-2012, 06:45 PM   #29 (permalink)
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I would make a point when saying your goodbyes to come up with individual and increasingly ridiculous reasons for leaving.

- Gotta go, have to prepare for the zombie apocalypse you know.
- We have to leave, our house spontaneously combusts if left unoccupied for over 10 hours.
- We've gotta run, my husband's water just broke..
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Old 12-20-2012, 06:57 PM   #30 (permalink)
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I would rather stay home with my Sarge next to me on the couch, than leave him home alone
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Old 12-20-2012, 07:11 PM   #31 (permalink)
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I don't get how threatening to become an angry mob is supposed to make you want to stay longer. It'd make me not want to come at all. Is this some new psychological mind trick I don't know about?


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I have commented on this myself.

We receive the angry admonishments every year, for one reason or another: "Why didn't you send your grandma a Christmas card?" 'Why didn't you spend more time talking to her?" "Why didn't you come earlier?" "Why can't you stay later?" "Why didn't you bring your own [insert item/article of clothing/food/beverage here]?" and "Why did you have to get a puppy and ruin my holiday?" -- this last one was from two years ago. Our beagle mix was a 9 week old puppy at that point and she didn't want us bring him along because it would have distracted people from admiring her new cabinets and bathroom fixtures. No, I am not joking. She actually felt people would be more interested in the dog than her household rennovations and the prospect genuinely upset her.

This year is the first time we have received what I would consider an actual threat, though. Usually it's just guilt trips of the "we might be dead in a few years, so why are you being so selfish?" variety. Yes, we've been accused of being selfish because we don't cater to his parents' every whim, even though we go out of our way to accomodate them as much as we can without putting ourselves and our dogs in situations that are excessively stressful.

They don't care what we do with our dogs, as long as they don't have to think about them or give them any consideration at all. I'm positive if one of our dogs were to die tomorrow, they'd see it as nothing but a good thing.
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Old 12-20-2012, 07:22 PM   #32 (permalink)
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This year is the first time we have received what I would consider an actual threat, though.
Send them a singing telegram for next year's holidays.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o8VZX4sHn-4
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Old 12-20-2012, 07:29 PM   #33 (permalink)
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So, I spoke with the S.O. again this evening. We agreed we would go up for the visit in spite of his parents' poor behavior, with the agreement that any hostility regarding the dogs, even if it's just one of his aunt's usual passive-aggressive remarks, would result in us going home. He even said he would take his parents aside, out of view of the other guests so as not to cause a commotion, and explain that he was tired of their behavior, and if they didn't shape up they would not be seeing us again.

Enough is enough.

On a side note: A friend of mine will be stopping by to take the dogs out for a potty break about half way through the day, at least. I still feel horrible about caging them for so long during the day, but at least they will be able to stretch their legs and empty their bladders.
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Old 12-20-2012, 07:43 PM   #34 (permalink)
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Desy, I feel for you. With my ex for some reason we always had to stay at least one night at his parent's house, which I disliked. In my family we visit for an hour or two, then we are done. I get super restless if I have to stay much longer. I hope the visit goes well. Can he warn his parents ahead of time about comments about the dogs, just to avoid any holiday drama? Or will it not do any good?
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Old 12-20-2012, 07:51 PM   #35 (permalink)
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It took my family and my SO's family about 2 years to learn that if my dog(s) aren't invited that i'm not coming. Like you, I'm not asking they sit at the dinner table with us (although most of my family allows them free range of their homes), I'm just asking that they be allowed a warm dry place to hang till I can walk them/play with them/hang with them.

Every time we were invited somewhere, I would nicely ask if the dog(s) were invited, if not, I would decline. When pushed why I would simply state "Well I would never force you to leave your child/children home when you came over. So if you are telling me my kids are not invited i would rather stay home and spend time with them."
I always encouraged my SO to go to his family's without me to not cause any issues, some times he would go, some times he wouldn't.

Same goes when I invite people over to my house. If you don't like/can't handle my dogs, there's the door. I go to your house and tolerate your kids.

It helps to ask myself, would I rather spend time at my own home enjoying the company of my dogs, or listening to the soul sucking droll of the black hearted snob who doesn't like dogs. It's always an easy answer.

Needless to say I always spend the holidays/time with the people who respect me and my choices
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Old 12-20-2012, 08:00 PM   #36 (permalink)
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Do these selfish parents have a dog loving neighbour? If so, would that neighbour be willing to welcome your dogs (crated or not) into their home and have you pop in every hour or so to visit?
If the grumpy ones get their noses out of joint at you flitting off every other minute you can always respond back that they got their wish...you're there for longer and the dogs aren't so tough titties!
(my guess is that they will be mortified that the neighbours know how unreasonable they are being and they may be willing to negotiate a little more next time )

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Old 12-20-2012, 08:09 PM   #37 (permalink)
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Desy, I feel for you. With my ex for some reason we always had to stay at least one night at his parent's house, which I disliked. In my family we visit for an hour or two, then we are done. I get super restless if I have to stay much longer. I hope the visit goes well. Can he warn his parents ahead of time about comments about the dogs, just to avoid any holiday drama? Or will it not do any good?
Well, considering the type and manner in which they delivered their threat this year over the phone, it seems unlikely that warning them not to be nasty to our faces as well will do much good. Once they get it into their heads' that something needs to be said, respect and due courtesy go out the window.

However, it's my opinion that my S.O. should call them back and let them know exactly how long we will be staying (from 3:00 PM until 7:00 PM), and they can either accept that without criticism, or we will remain home. I'm not going to drive for two hours just to get a face full of venom when I arrive.
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Roman Groom: Yeah. Friend of mine, she made her domestic robot look like a dog.
The Doctor: Ah, well, dogs. That's different.

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Old 12-20-2012, 08:10 PM   #38 (permalink)
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In my husband's family, it is well known that I am strange and I don't care. I often have not gone to events because of the dogs. Now I say "I will have to bring Yoda or maybe Lana" (this year it is Lana since I can't crate her for very long and I can give Yoda his meds early and double dose later). They know that my dogs come well before the rest of the family, well before. There is no argument there. I put up with a MIL like your SO's mother and just gave last minute excuses for not going. I got into a terrible argument with his mother when she complained that I didn't love her and my reply was "what's to love? you are NOT my family".
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Old 12-20-2012, 08:20 PM   #39 (permalink)
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It took my family and my SO's family about 2 years to learn that if my dog(s) aren't invited that i'm not coming. Like you, I'm not asking they sit at the dinner table with us (although most of my family allows them free range of their homes), I'm just asking that they be allowed a warm dry place to hang till I can walk them/play with them/hang with them.

Every time we were invited somewhere, I would nicely ask if the dog(s) were invited, if not, I would decline. When pushed why I would simply state "Well I would never force you to leave your child/children home when you came over. So if you are telling me my kids are not invited i would rather stay home and spend time with them."
I always encouraged my SO to go to his family's without me to not cause any issues, some times he would go, some times he wouldn't.

Same goes when I invite people over to my house. If you don't like/can't handle my dogs, there's the door. I go to your house and tolerate your kids.

It helps to ask myself, would I rather spend time at my own home enjoying the company of my dogs, or listening to the soul sucking droll of the black hearted snob who doesn't like dogs. It's always an easy answer.

Needless to say I always spend the holidays/time with the people who respect me and my choices
They would laugh us out of the room if we made this kind of comparison. While I feel the same way as you, many people would be incredulous if you (the generic "you") tried to equate dogs with human children.

It would not serve as an argument in my case, but rather confirm in their minds that we're are completely nuts. They were rolling their eyes at me when I told them I bought my beagle/pointer a trail pack for hiking. Why? Because they viewed the pack as clothing and thought I was just trying to dress my dog up. And when we rescued our dobe/lab mix his mom said we were "out of our minds". Her exact words.
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Roman Groom: Yeah. Friend of mine, she made her domestic robot look like a dog.
The Doctor: Ah, well, dogs. That's different.

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Old 12-20-2012, 08:22 PM   #40 (permalink)
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I have commented on this myself.

We receive the angry admonishments every year, for one reason or another: "Why didn't you send your grandma a Christmas card?" 'Why didn't you spend more time talking to her?" "Why didn't you come earlier?" "Why can't you stay later?" "Why didn't you bring your own [insert item/article of clothing/food/beverage here]?" and "Why did you have to get a puppy and ruin my holiday?" -- this last one was from two years ago. Our beagle mix was a 9 week old puppy at that point and she didn't want us bring him along because it would have distracted people from admiring her new cabinets and bathroom fixtures. No, I am not joking. She actually felt people would be more interested in the dog than her household rennovations and the prospect genuinely upset her.

This year is the first time we have received what I would consider an actual threat, though. Usually it's just guilt trips of the "we might be dead in a few years, so why are you being so selfish?" variety. Yes, we've been accused of being selfish because we don't cater to his parents' every whim, even though we go out of our way to accomodate them as much as we can without putting ourselves and our dogs in situations that are excessively stressful.

They don't care what we do with our dogs, as long as they don't have to think about them or give them any consideration at all. I'm positive if one of our dogs were to die tomorrow, they'd see it as nothing but a good thing.
All I can say is good luck. I have similar family members, some still part of my life and some I've cut ties with. It's not easy.


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Old 12-20-2012, 08:23 PM   #41 (permalink)
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Do these selfish parents have a dog loving neighbour? If so, would that neighbour be willing to welcome your dogs (crated or not) into their home and have you pop in every hour or so to visit?
If the grumpy ones get their noses out of joint at you flitting off every other minute you can always respond back that they got their wish...you're there for longer and the dogs aren't so tough titties!
(my guess is that they will be mortified that the neighbours know how unreasonable they are being and they may be willing to negotiate a little more next time )

(I learned passive agressive from a master )
To my knowledge, there are no dogs in their neighborhood. At least none that I have seen or heard. I am pretty sure if there were his mom would be complaining about it all the time.

It was a good thought, though. Asking the neighbors fo assistance, that is.
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Old 12-20-2012, 08:31 PM   #42 (permalink)
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I'd take the dogs & crate them somewhere - or take a long extension cord & a space heater & 'crate' them in the car. Pretend you didn't realize that they didn't want you to have the dogs near their place.

They can either have dogs, or a short visit & since they are currently complaining about the length of the visit......
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Old 12-20-2012, 08:39 PM   #43 (permalink)
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They would laugh us out of the room if we made this kind of comparison. While I feel the same way as you, many people would be incredulous if you (the generic "you") tried to equate dogs with human children.

It would not serve as an argument in my case, but rather confirm in their minds that we're are completely nuts. They were rolling their eyes at me when I told them I bought my beagle/pointer a trail pack for hiking. Why? Because they viewed the pack as clothing and thought I was just trying to dress my dog up. And when we rescued our dobe/lab mix his mom said we were "out of our minds". Her exact words.
Haha, yes, I'm frequently given the "it's not the same" talk. It is to me (and probably you). I treat my "kids" with more love and care then quite a few parents do with their 2 legged kids (case in point your MIL caring more about her happiness then her sons). I've given up caring if people understand me. If i'm nuts, and they are "sane" then I don't want to be sane

I think I just really enjoyed pushing their buttons,
and once they understood that I wasn't going to compromise my happiness for theirs we were able to come to an equal and happy compromise for both sides.

I really do feel for you though and I wish the best of luck and Merry Christmas!
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Old 12-20-2012, 08:42 PM   #44 (permalink)
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When I go home for the holidays everyone is disappointed if I DON'T bring my dogs... I guess I'm not good enough on my own :/


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Old 12-20-2012, 08:55 PM   #45 (permalink)
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When I go home for the holidays everyone is disappointed if I DON'T bring my dogs... I guess I'm not good enough on my own :/


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This reminds me -- My mom loves dogs. When she moved into her new house this fall the first thing she and her husband did was invite my S.O. and I, and our dogs, to come stay with them for a week or two in South Carolina. She was positively eager to have us all out there. My mom is the sort of person who is willing to compromise on just about anything if it means she gets to see her daughter more often.

Sadly, I can't afford plane tickets for two people and two dogs, so I have not been able to take her up on her offer...You can bet your butt that I would prefer to spend time with her than my S.O's family on the holidays. I wish it had been an option this year.
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Old 12-20-2012, 09:21 PM   #46 (permalink)
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My mom also has 2 dogs, one of which used to be one of my foster dogs from rescue. I think that people grow up with the values instilled in them by the environment in which they grew up.

Animal lovers will often have animal-loving children. We grew up on a farm and I had everything from pet pigeons, to field mice, garden snakes to calves... even a hummingbird once, we had it all. My mom is probably happy that the only thing I bring home now is dogs and she doesn't find frogs in her tub. (...again)
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Old 12-20-2012, 10:09 PM   #47 (permalink)
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I have commented on this myself.

We receive the angry admonishments every year, for one reason or another: "Why didn't you send your grandma a Christmas card?" 'Why didn't you spend more time talking to her?" "Why didn't you come earlier?" "Why can't you stay later?" "Why didn't you bring your own [insert item/article of clothing/food/beverage here]?" and "Why did you have to get a puppy and ruin my holiday?" -- this last one was from two years ago. Our beagle mix was a 9 week old puppy at that point and she didn't want us bring him along because it would have distracted people from admiring her new cabinets and bathroom fixtures. No, I am not joking. She actually felt people would be more interested in the dog than her household rennovations and the prospect genuinely upset her.

This year is the first time we have received what I would consider an actual threat, though. Usually it's just guilt trips of the "we might be dead in a few years, so why are you being so selfish?" variety. Yes, we've been accused of being selfish because we don't cater to his parents' every whim, even though we go out of our way to accomodate them as much as we can without putting ourselves and our dogs in situations that are excessively stressful.

They don't care what we do with our dogs, as long as they don't have to think about them or give them any consideration at all. I'm positive if one of our dogs were to die tomorrow, they'd see it as nothing but a good thing.
holy Hannah, these people are selfish twits.
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Old 12-20-2012, 10:12 PM   #48 (permalink)
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Please excuse me for saying this, but your guy's mother sounds like a psycho! My MIL is also a psycho but for different reason's. Honestly in this situation you're damned if you go and damned if you don't. So I just wouldn't go. I used to think I had to go see the in-laws every time my hubby went, but I learned real quick that I didn't have to. They don't like me anyway and only care about seeing him. We live 1600 miles away from them now and I still don't go every time he does. You have to learn that sometimes you have to do what makes you happy. Now I know it's Christmas so that makes the decision a little harder but it's hard when you can't be comfortable around family. I've been married for about 14 years and I'm still not comfortable around my MIL. She likes our dog's but she thinks of them as my hubby's. She thinks everything is HIS and not OURS.
It's just ridiculous that your man's mother and family are putting this pressure on you. How stupid for them to basically say you have to stay for a certain amount of time! You should tell them they're lucky to see you guys at all!
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Old 12-21-2012, 06:43 AM   #49 (permalink)
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Damn. AMEN ya'll! I'm with you. Of course, again the age THANG, I, too have learned that living my life is not all about someone else. Been there, done that. And, I AM sorry they have put you in such a crappy situation. My dog, just like my kid! I hope your Holiday turns out okay for you both no matter what you decide.
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Old 12-21-2012, 06:56 AM   #50 (permalink)
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OMG I had a flashback of what we use to go through........we use to go through loops to please parents no more we live thousands of miles from them now.......
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